Brian hated feeling helpless. He mounted the steps with trepidation, wondering why it bothered him that Curt was here, of all places, in Jack Fairy's house. Curt was a grown man, fully capable of making his own decisions about where to sleep. If he wanted to fuck Jack, that was up to him.

Who was he kidding? He didn't want Curt to be with anyone else. He combed his fingers through his hair in a gesture that betrayed the state of his nerves. Mandy had bolstered his spirit all the way from London to Berlin. She'd even helped Brian find Jack's address.

But now he was alone. Just him and a major case of anxiety.

He pressed the doorbell and unconsciously held his breath. He had never put everything on the line for anyone before. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe he should turn around and go home.

Suddenly Brian's mouth went dry. When the door opened, who should be standing there in the doorway, his hair framed by firelight, but Curt?

Curt immediately looked down at his feet, as if he wasn't allowed to make eye contact with Brian anymore, and Brian frowned. He looked thin, pale, and every other adjective that Brian could have applied to himself. And yet...he was the most beautiful thing Brian had ever seen.

"Hi," Brian rasped, his voice deserting him for a moment.

"Umm..." Curt raised his eyes slightly, but Brian had the impression that it was more out of curiosity than politeness. "Come in. Jack's waiting." He beckoned with one outstretched arm.

Which Brian ignored. "I didn't come all this way to see Jack."

"Maybe Curt doesn't want to see you," Jack said, flowing forward to stand behind Curt.

Brian didn't so much as blink. "I don't believe that."

"Maybe you should," Jack cautioned.

Brian met Jack's penetrating gaze with difficulty. That was his greatest fear. That Curt meant for their affair to end. That Curt really didn't want to see him again. "Can I talk to him? Alone?"

It hurt that he had to ask someone else for permission to talk to Curt, but it hurt even more to think that Curt might want it this way.

Jack tilted his head to the side and gave Brian a long, considering look. "Possibly..."

Brian crept forward, the vague sense of uneasiness that had been plaguing him growing by leaps and bounds. Curt seemed frozen in place, his shoulders rigid under Jack's hands.

"What do you want, Curt?" Brian whispered.

What I can't have. Always what I can't have, Curt thought miserably. The past few weeks had been hard on Brian. He could see that now. Slender to begin with, Brian was a wraith, a shadow of his former self, and that too was Curt's doing. That was Curt's legacy, to bring pain and suffering to those he dared to love. He longed to put things right, to bury his face in Brian's hair and beg his forgiveness. But that, like love, was denied him.

Curt stammered, his eyes filled with some unidentifiable emotion. "You shouldn't have come, Br-Brian. I'm with J-Jack now."

"Now that had to be the worst acting I've ever seen, darling. You'll give our guest the wrong idea. Why, he might think you were...I don't know...unhappy." By the way Jack underlined the word, Curt knew that he was telling him to be convincingly affectionate...or else.

"Invite him in, Curt," Jack said. But it wasn't a request, it was a command.

Brian nodded slightly as he crossed the threshold. Jack's house could legitimately be called beautiful. But the house paled into insignificance next to Curt. Emboldened by the momentary glimpse of Curt's innermost feelings a short while ago, Brian pressed his advantage. "You look tired, Curt. Are you getting enough rest?"

Curt forced a bitter laugh. "Not really," he said blithely. "Jack keeps me pretty busy."

Curt knew that Jack didn't care for that answer. He could tell by the sharp pinch Jack gave him on the inside of his forearm. He didn't dare cry out, though, or Brian would grow suspicious. Curt sighed.

Brian didn't like the undercurrents that he was picking up. Curt looked fragile, far more fragile than he did, and Jack seemed to be hammering at him in some subtle way that was hard to decipher. "Why don't we cut to the chase, Jack? You've got something I want."

Jack smiled, a feral grimace that gave the lie to every innocuous look he'd shown so far. "What makes you think I'll give it back?"

Taking his courage in both hands, Curt interjected, "Why don't you let me talk to him, Jack? Let me explain how things are now."

Jack glanced at Curt warily. "Are you sure, Curt?"

"Yeah," Curt replied, struggling to sound firm. This was a bad idea, a very bad idea. Being alone with Brian wasn't going to solve anything. It was going to make things worse. It was going to piss off Jack, and it would very likely get Curt beaten. If not raped. But he had to try to convince Brian to leave. It was up to him. Brian wouldn't believe it coming from anyone else. He knew he wouldn't.

"Very well," Jack drawled slowly. "I'll let you two sort things out, then."

When Jack left the room, Curt let go of the breath he'd been unconsciously holding. Whenever Jack was around, the pressure was so intense that Curt could barely breathe. He didn't think for one moment that Jack wasn't listening, though, so he knew that he needed to be careful.

Frantically searching for words where there were none, Curt stared wistfully into Brian's pale blue eyes. "Jack and me-"

"It's a lie," Brian declared with a certainty that suddenly thrust its way into his brain as if Curt had told him. "You don't love him."

"You don't understand-"

Brian couldn't bear the haunted look in Curt's gray eyes one more second. Acting on blind instinct, Brian bent forward and kissed him. It was a chaste kiss, more like a brush of his lips against Curt's, really, but Curt's reaction couldn't have been more extreme. Curt shoved Brian away and fell back against the wall with a stricken look on his face.

"Don't!" Curt whispered harshly.

Brian shook his head in mute disbelief. Then gathering what little strength he had left, Brian reached out with one hand and stroked the side of Curt's face. Curt squeezed his eyes shut as though Brian's touch was physically painful. But Brian moved closer, gentling him the way someone approached a skittish horse. Brian's fingers slid through Curt's hair, petting and caressing, and the feel of Brian's hands on him was suddenly too much for Curt.

"Oh, God," he murmured almost inaudibly.

"Talk to me, Curt," Brian said softly.

"I can't," Curt answered, refusing to look at Brian. Till Brian cupped Curt's chin in his hands. Curt opened his eyes then, and he was sure even Brian could see that he was dangerously close to breaking down.

"I don't want to live without you, Curt."

"Don't say that! Don't ever say that!" Curt cried.

Galvanized by the intensity of Curt's emotional reaction, Brian leaned forward till their foreheads touched and stared intently into his eyes. "Look at me and tell me you don't love me...and I'll go."

"I-" Curt panted, his ragged breathing saying more than words.

It was inevitable that their lips should meet again, this time with all of the pent-up frustration of weeks of estrangement. The words that he shouldn't say welled up in Curt, begging for release, but he held on valiantly. Brian was less reticent. "Curt-"

"Well...isn't that charming? I thought I could trust you, Curt. I must say, I am severely disappointed."

Jack's appearance without warning was like a blast of arctic air. Both men looked startled, but it was Curt who pulled away from Brian, albeit with an obvious effort. "It was...my fault, Jack."

"Of course it was, dear boy. How could it be anything else? It's not like Brian to steal things that don't belong to him, is it?"

Desperate to protect Brian, Curt moved swiftly to salvage the situation. There was only one way to protect Brian. That was to make him leave. There was only one way to make him leave. If he heard the words he dreaded most. Right from Curt's lips.

"Brian can't stay for dinner, Jack."

"Oh?" Jack glanced at Curt with hooded eyes, as if he wasn't quite sure what to make of this development.

Curt nodded and cleared his throat, but his voice stubbornly remained hoarse. "Brian? You said you would go if I told you something. Well, I'm telling you now." Curt felt an incredible pressure building in his chest and wondered if a person could literally die from a broken heart.

"I don't love you anymore."

Curt was forced to cheat by averting his eyes from Brian's at the last moment, but he was satisfied that the shock alone of hearing those words would make it impossible for Brian to notice anything else.

Brian grew even more pale than he had been. His bottom lip quivered tellingly, but he bit it as hard as he could, relishing the pain as a necessary distraction. "Oh." Brian darted a look at Jack. "I see."

No, you don't, Curt wailed mentally, I'm doing this for you, dammit. Now get the hell out of here before Jack gets hold of you.

Brian backed up a few steps as though he was afraid to turn his back on either one of them. Then he threw himself out the door and down the front steps before he could think twice.


*****

tbc