This is the twenty-ninth story in the Rewriting History series, and it follows If You Will Be My Master. As I mentioned in my earlier post, there is a bit of a cliffhanger at the end of this, so be warned. But if you do feel like pitching things at my head, I will certainly understand. :lol Maybe it'll help if you realize that there is more to come after this. Much more. (And it's good stuff, too. That's what they call sex, isn't it? ;) )

Warnings: m/m, AU, angst, bad language, and spoilers for the movie (though Todd might not recognize what he wrote in this :lol )

~Silk

*****

I Want Certainty

By Silk


I don't want knowledge
I want certainty

Law (Earthlings on Fire)--David Bowie


Brian walked slowly down the corridor in search of the exit door. Seeing Curt again, especially that way, and knowing he was at least partly to blame, made him miserable. He wondered what Jack would say if he headed for the way out and just kept on going.

Reaching into his coat pocket, he withdrew a cigarette and placed it between his lips. Immediately a security guard that he hadn't even noticed appeared at his side. "Sorry, sir, but you can't light up in here."

"Bloody hell," Brian swore.

"I don't make the rules, sir. I just enforce them."

Heaving a great sigh, Brian agreed. "Oh, yes. I'm sure you're very good at your job."

"Are you trying to be sarcastic?" the guard asked belligerently.

Brian shook his head, hoping the guard would let him go without delaying him further. Curt. He'd seen Curt. He needed to get outside, as soon as possible, before he embarrassed himself by breaking down.

"Take it outside," the guard commanded.

Brian couldn't wait to take advantage of that very thing. He rushed outside with a cheeky little wave. Cupping his hands, he managed to light his cigarette. That powerful draft of smoke was just what he needed to steady his nerves. He shivered slightly as he exhaled. The night was cold.

But that was all right. The air was helping to clear his head. He gnawed on his lower lip in between puffs. He had to find Curt. He needed to explain.

But more than that, he needed to ask for his forgiveness. If Curt could give him that, he could walk away happy.

Liar. His heart clenched tightly inside his chest. He still *loved* Curt. Sometimes he didn't even think he had it in him to love anyone else.

He tossed his cigarette to the ground with a sharp motion. He needed to see Curt.

Now.

*****

Curt waved to the crowd and made his way backstage. Someone threw him a towel, and he wrapped it around his shoulders. His hair was wet and stringy, his eye make-up was running down his face in black rivulets, but Curt had no inner qualms about his appearance. There were any number of willing girls, and boys, too, who would love to share his bed.

The line forms on the left, he thought, a weary grin curving his lips.

That was when he saw her. Mandy. Shit. He wasn't in the mood for her trip down memory lane right now. Ever since the divorce, Mandy had been coming to Curt's concerts. Not to see *him*, but to see if *Brian* showed up.

Curt felt like the cheese in a very expensive mouse trap.

Mandy kissed him chastely on the cheek. "That was really beautiful," she said with what seemed like genuine feeling.

Curt didn't want to think about that. Not when Mandy was staring him right in the face. Brian's ex. All roads inevitably led to Brian.

He struggled with the words that insisted on forcing their way out of him, but in the end, he couldn't help himself. "Did you see him?" he asked plaintively, his eyes smudged with kohl and mascara.

Mandy shook her head and gave Curt a tight smile. "No, I didn't see him," Mandy lied. If *she* couldn't have Brian, neither would *Curt*. It seemed only fair.

"I thought maybe he'd come. This time."

Mandy sighed. "Well, he didn't," she snapped, hating herself for caring about the way that hurt blossomed in those expressive eyes.

Suddenly Curt was distracted by a pair of dark brown eyes fixed on him. "Hey," he said to Arthur.

"Hey," Arthur responded softly, his eyes never leaving Curt's face.

He was a kid. Couldn't be more than 18, tops. Curt saw Arthur's attempt to recreate Maxwell Demon for what it was...hero worship. Good. The world needed fucking heroes. Even if they were really fucking villains in disguise.

He didn't actually resemble Brian. That was a blessing. Yet...there was a part of Curt that wanted, even needed, to see Brian there. Because he didn't want anyone else. Even now. After all this time apart. Long after he should have gotten it through his thick head that Brian didn't have a fucking place for him in his life anymore.

If he ever did.

"What's your name, kid?"

"Arthur," came the soft reply.

Yeah...the kid didn't really look like Brian at all. But he could lose himself in him for a while and pretend.

That was what he was here for, wasn't it?

*****

Arthur climbed up the stairs and stopped on the landing to catch his breath. He was going to sleep with Curt Wild. He didn't know how he knew, but he did. He had followed Curt's signals and slipped away from the crowd down below.

And now he stood, quite literally, on the threshold of something new and vastly different from anything else he had ever experienced.

He struggled to swallow over the lump in his throat, telling himself that he wasn't scared. But he thought he *was*. This would be his first time with a man. Hell, his first time with *anyone*. They didn't come any more virgin than he was.

Arthur didn't kid himself that this was anything more than a one-night stand. He *knew* that. As innocent as he was, he understood more than he let on. There was such a thing as *true love*. He *knew* that, too.

He didn't care what anyone said about the break-up. He'd seen the way Curt Wild looked at Brian Slade. That was as close to true love as a man could get.

Now he was here with Curt. Was he standing in for Brian? He wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer to that question. But he had good instincts about people. Whatever Curt wanted him to be tonight, he could be.

He just wouldn't think about tomorrow.

*****

Curt leaned back against the rough brick faade and lit another cigarette. He could see Arthur from where he was, and he knew the boy was having second, hell, third thoughts about being with him.

He exhaled slowly, letting the smoke trickle out his nostrils the way Brian used to. Brian. Curt sighed, his heart heavy despite his determination to put his former lover's memory to rest for good.

He would take Arthur, initiate him to sex with a man, and he would even be gentle. But he couldn't call it making love. That would be a betrayal of everything he felt. He still *loved* Brian, dammit, and he no longer wondered how long it might take to get over him.

Contrary to appearances, Curt Wild was capable of great love and tenderness. But he had given them both to the wrong man...and he'd kept them.

Curt beckoned to Arthur, crooking his fingers in the younger man's direction. "Come. I won't hurt you," Curt invited hoarsely.

*****

Brian strode backstage with purpose. His disguise at best a cursory illusion, it faded away under the hot golden lights there. He swung his head back and forth, past the pretty groupies and the ever-present hangers-on, searching for Curt.

Instead he found his ex-wife.

"Bri-annn!" she caroled from across the room. She raced towards him, arms outstretched, and Brian unconsciously braced himself.

"Hello, Mandy," he said quietly. He couldn't be annoyed with her. Not after everything he'd done to her. Still her strident voice managed to set his teeth on edge.

"I'm so glad you came, Brian. I wanted to tell you...to thank you for finally signing the divorce papers."

Brian blinked. Who knew that he could please his wife, at long last, by giving her her freedom?

"Well...I'm only sorry it took so long for me to come to my senses."

Mandy was so taken aback by Brian's admission, she was rendered momentarily speechless. "You-you're sorry?"

"I am, actually. I never meant to hurt you, Mandy. I hope you can believe that. But if you can't, I can more than understand."

Who was this stranger? She had heard that Brian had changed, but seeing him like this felt vaguely unreal.

"Of course." Maybe there was a chance that they could... Mandy cut off that line of thinking instantly. They were never going to get back together. He wasn't here to see *her*. He was obviously looking for *Curt*.

She told herself that she wasn't being vindictive. But she *was*. Jealousy and not a little heartache drove her to say, "Are you looking for Curt?"

Brian nodded. "Yes. Have you seen him?"

"Why, as a matter of fact, he went up to the roof just a few minutes ago. If you hurry, I'm sure you can catch him."

Curt would never know what hit him. Neither would Brian. Now they would never be together. She knew Brian intimately. His pride would never allow him to take Curt back...not if Curt did something so irrevocable, it could never be forgiven.

She almost laughed out loud. Seeing Curt fucking that young boy right in front of him should certainly drive a stake into Brian's heart. If he still had one.

*****

Brian turned away from Mandy, intending to find the staircase, but he ran right into Jack Fairy. "Jack!"

Jack had been standing unobtrusively on the other side of the room, waiting to see what wicked spell Mandy had concocted this time. He hadn't been quick enough to stop Curt from taking Arthur up to the rooftop, and in truth, he hadn't really blamed him, not when it seemed that Brian wasn't going to show.

But the moment he saw Brian, he couldn't help but hope that Brian held onto the courage of his convictions for once. He couldn't let Brian walk into what could only be certain disaster.

It would destroy both of them.

"Brian! You came," Jack said warmly, sparing a hasty glance at Mandy. She wouldn't get her way. Not this time. The thought did his heart good. Especially when he saw her scowl in his direction.

"I came to see Curt, Jack. Mandy said he's up on the roof."

Jack nodded. Yes, he is. But he's not alone.

Brian waved his hand impatiently at Jack. "You're...um...blocking the way, Jack."

Jack spotted Arthur coming down the stairs and inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. "Uhh...am I? Oh, sorry. You go on, then."

Brian passed the younger man, his shoulder nearly touching Arthur's. When he stepped into the stairwell, Brian did a slow turn, taking in Arthur's faux blue hair as well as Jack's inexplicably tight expression.

All at once the pieces fell into place in Brian's head. Jack could tell the exact moment when Brian made the connection between Arthur and Curt. For a long moment, there was nothing but hurt in Brian's eyes.

Then the light blue became steel gray as Brian hardened his heart against what he was bound to find out.

He ran up the stairs until he hit the door that opened out onto the roof. Smashing it open with his fist, Brian knew, he *knew*, he had absolutely no right to be jealous. And if he'd had any kind of a choice, he would have picked words of love to be the first thing that he said to Curt in months.

But that didn't stop the wrong words from pouring out of his mouth.

"So," he shouted, "you're fucking the kid?"

End