I thought about that now, as I took my little acquisition for a last spin up and down the road. With three (or was it four? I forget) vodka tonics on top of the pills, I thought I could open out a bit - enough to feel him out more, without calling too much attention to myself. Should have known that was the speed talking, but hey.

I let my mind wrap around him as he lounged in the passenger seat. Was just starting to pick up a scent, when he started squirming uncomfortably and sat up straighter.

'You can feel that, huh?' I thought. Made a certain sense, I suppose. But that might mean he wasn't going to dream well tonight.

"Sorry - this is an old mix tape," I covered for him, cutting off the NIN chestnut "Closer". "There's probably something better down there, if you wanna look."

Decided I'd see if what I did scan was right, as we pulled back to the campsite. That is, the parts I hadn't figured out just by him being here.

"Open that drawer under your seat," I directed him. "Think I might have some weed down there, if you want." I could even handle a taste, I thought. Just the right damper to the alcohol and pills.

"Aw yeah, that'd be cool," he enthused. Suddenly back to just a boy. Half my age, probably, if that.

Even though the weekend crowd hadn't filtered in yet, there were still a few folks sitting around the campfires in other lots. They might not see us both go into the tent, and might not think anything of it if they did. But my blood was up, a little restless, and I wanted to play.

"Grab it, and we'll walk to the beach," I gestured with my head. "Don't feel like sharing with the whole damn campground, yanno?" I gave him that grin, the one I'd learned to buy my way into or out of situations. One to buy a shadow-chaser with. He bit.

I stuffed the baggie and papers he retrieved into a coat pocket and headed off on foot. This area wasn't open, especially after dark; but that never held me back.
I sighted deer trails by the moon, and soon we were in an isolated little cove, with nothing but the lake stretching away in front of us. I leaned back against the bluff, one boot up on a driftwood stump. 'Bout time to get down to business.

I rolled a fattie, and made sure Jamie hit most of it. I didn't get the feeling he needed it so much as wanted. That's ok. I want too.

"So, uh, Jamie.." I began, when the roach was cold and the stars stopped swimming. "Lemme ask you something." It's not that either of us had any question why he was there. A formality, is all. He looked up, a little defensive, a little wild and proud.

"I suck dick, if that's what you want to know," he replied. I nodded. I knew, but what the hell. It was said.

I grinned at him again. Shrugged the coat off, pulled the T-shirt over my head. Put the coat back on - so I pose. He was buying it. Stood up, strolled in front of him. Opened the snap on my jeans, but didn't produce the goods.

"That's good," I crooned to him. "Do it naked."

I don't think I had to put any suggestion in my voice. Under his big black shirt was a pale thin chest; inside the baggy pants, an eager satyr's dick, curling upwards. Oh yeah.

I made him kneel in the sand in front of me like he was taking communion. Hey, don't be shocked - I know circles where it's standard. Know some quite well. Can't say it wasn't spiritual, watching him take me into his mouth; or the way he reached down to caress himself as he did it. My idea of beauty - well, close as I get to it, these days.

His eyes were closed, but I kept mine open. Wanted to watch him. Wanted to not leave any chances for anything to come visiting. Almost got away with it.
I pressed his face against me, breath coming in gasps. Staring hard at the open water. Knowing I was nearly there.

And then I wasn't alone. It was too late to pull out, to stop, to hold back in any way. Oh, they're good, some of them. Wait for just the right moment. She floated over the lake as I filled his throat, staring right back at me. Hard. Red. Then it was all over, and he was moaning, cheek pressed against my hip, his belly and fingers wet. And she was gone.

We didn't say much on the walk back to camp. He didn't need to; I had too much to think about. I gave him the choice of tenting alone, or in the van with me. He took the latter, for which I was quietly grateful. A teenage teddy bear. What? If I told you Jamie was a she, would you say anything? Change the pronoun if it bugs you.

He was asleep almost immediately beside me. I lay a long time, looking at what stars could be seen through the open moon roof. I'd tried all my ruses, all but the evil powder in my coat. And still this one found me. Kept coming. Would keep coming, until I Listened.

I sighed, finally accepting the inevitable, and rolled over, throwing one arm around the little lost boy I'd found. And finally, I slept.

*******

I woke up when the van got too hot to stay in. Woke up alone. A scrawled note on the dashboard read 'Hope I see you sometime. Thanks. J.' Just as well - it'd blow my image, anyway, if he saw me retching into a plastic bag when I sat up too fast.

Half a falafel, vodka, speed, pot. Maybe not enough to get by on, not anymore. When the world leveled out to right side up, I pulled on my jeans and slid cautiously into the driver's seat. Renewed my campsite rental on the way out, and went in search of a diner. Kept the mirror shades down.

Cruised into town, got a belly full of eggs and toast. Something solid. About six cups of coffee. Then swung back via the Dairy Mart for an industrial-size cappuccino. Whatever they put in that stuff is as addictive as my little white powders. I don't care; I sucked it down like the van sucked oil.

Debating between beach and shower when I got back. Feeling as close to normal as I get, anymore. Decided to do both, in reverse order. And found out I had company when I pulled back in. Just Jamie, sitting diffidently on the picnic table, twirling a long stem of grass.

"Hey," he smiled at me shyly as I got out of the van, unsure of his welcome. "Hoped you were still around."

"Did you now." I'd've grumbled at him, but as it happened, I'd thought of another use for the boy. "Happens I hoped I'd run into you again, too."

"Really?" The eagerness in his voice made me think I'd overused The Grin last night. Well, what the hell. I'd had fans before.

"Yeah." I kept my voice flat. "But tell you what, I fucking stink. Lemme get a shower, and we'll talk, alright?"

I pulled an old tackle box out from under the front seat and a towel from somewhere in back. As I was rummaging for clean briefs, I decided to bring a second towel and an old faded wolf T-shirt along as well.

"I know it's not I.C.P., but that one probably needs a rest anyway, hm?" I said, as I tossed him shirt and towel. "C'mon."

After we'd showered, I stood squinting into the slab of metal that passed for a mirror, trying to shave. Jamie, who didn't have that problem yet, had perched up onto the plywood counter, thin wrists draped over bony knees.

"Be interesting to know what you look like in a normal pair of jeans, sometime," I mouthed from under the shaving cream.

"Yeah, well, they're bout all I got, now," he mumbled. "Dylan lets me keep a bag over at the Inkspot, but that ain't much."

"So what happened to you, kid?" I glanced over.

"I tell people I got caught with a gun, usually," he began. Quietly. "But the truth is, my step-dad caught me whacking off to gay porn. Kicked my pansy ass out that night. Been down here ever since."

"Oh. Hey. I'm sorry." I turned to him, then hesitated. Funny. We'd had sex, but I wasn't sure I was close enough to touch him, just then. So I went back to shaving.

"You just don't like girls, then, or what?"

"Oh, I dunno," he shrugged. "Maybe. But I haven't really - you know." I knew. Women didn't pay for sex, not from skinny blond boys. Only pervs like me. And that didn't make you Mr. Popular with the girls his age.

"They're nice," I said, rinsing off my face and heading back to the stall to dress. "I like me some puss now and again, too. Started out that way, actually."

"So what happened?" Jamie tried to pretend he wasn't watching me, but I knew he was. Hey, I may not treat it right inside, but my outside still looks good. I unwrapped the towel from my waist, dressed slow, gave him his eyeful.

"Well, I was always interested, you know. Never did anything about it. Got into my twenties, and started getting obsessed. Decided I had to try. Had to know."

I sat on the narrow bench across from him to pull on my boots. Them and my coat - can't let either be too far away.

"So one night, I just decided - that was it. Got myself a little high, took my bike, and went down to the bath house downtown. Proceeded to get shitfaced. And let someone take me back to his room." I laughed, dryly, remembering - or not remembering, really, as it happened.

"Ever since then, it hasn't mattered too much to me which set of pipes I hook up with. They both got good points and bad points."

I stood up, tossing my coat and shirt over one shoulder. It was warm, why not go barechested. Especially with someone to appreciate it. I grabbed my tacklebox toiletries kit, and headed out the door.

"Except this time," I added. Not something I talk about much, but Jamie'd shared his confidence. I owed him one.
"When this last lady left, it busted me up." I stared at the ground as I walked. A year and a half wasn't long enough for it not to hurt. And I found myself telling him more of the truth.

"Thing is," I continued, "I heard I'm a dad now. Only I never seen the kid." I didn't add that I worried if the kid was mine, it might BE like me. With no more clue what that meant than I had.

"So lately, I've tended to stick with my own kind, you know?" I glanced sidelong at the kid. I could tell I hadn't tarnished my image any.