Alright, here you have it. My very first Fan Fic!!! Ive been reading this stuff for God knows how long, but this is the first time Ive actually bothered to write one of my own.
Anyway, this is Brian Slade talking to a long-gone Curt after the break-up, thinking back on old times, on feelings that refuse to fade. Im gonna rate this PG-13ish for a little m/m lovey-dovey stuff. Theres nothing hardcore. Its not that writing hardcore stuff intimidates me; Im just thoat too lazy to write up a detailed sex scene. Besides, I know you guys have dirty-enough minds that you can imagine it all for yourself!  Its all based around the song Survive by David Bowie, which really seems to fit the mood here.
Okay, enough of my rambling! Ill let you read now:
SURVIVE
by Sutton
"Oh my naked eyes.
I shouldve kept you. I shouldve tried.
I shouldve been a wiser kind of guy.
I miss you."
        You looked so beautiful outside my windowdangerous, but wounded, like a tragic wolf. How could you? your eyes seemed to ask as they pierced through me. Yes, how could I? Youve been gone only fifteen minutes, and already Ive asked myself that same question a million times. How could I?
        I wanted to rush down the steps, to run outside and take you in my arms, to tell you I loved you and that I was sorry for everything. But you know me, Curt; you know me better than anyone ever will. You know Im far too proud to do anything like that. Instead, I slipped away, watched from a distance as you shook your head in disbelief, tossed your cigarette to the ground and drove out of my life forever.
Jerry couldnt understand my pain, my helplessness. He only understands money; love means nothing to him. You hang on there, he told me, but how can I?
My reason for livingmy reason for everythingis gone.
"Give me wings. Give me space.
Give me money for a change of face.
Those noisy rooms and passion pants.
I loved you."
        I can remember the first time I realized I wanted you more than anything in the world, and this was years before wed even met. It was a rock festival, a place where neither of us would charm a crowd. But you certainly charmed me. You couldnt seduce that stubborn audience, but by the first note youd seduced me. I heard your rebel yell, could almost taste your never-say-die charisma.
I remember watching as you drowned onstage in a sea of glitter and gasoline, and instead I wished you were drowning in my kiss, drowning in me.
        A long time passed, but I never forgot you. And then came the day when Jerry, after an aggressive over-the-phone business agreement, approached me and said, So tell me, Master Demon, who would you most fancy meeting in America? I didnt need to spend one second thinking of an answer. I wanted to see you, to meet you, to perhaps enchant you the way youd enchanted me.
The others were baffled; they hadnt the slightest clue what a Curt Wild was. But I didnt give a damn. I knew, and that was all that mattered.
        Yes, I wanted you then, and I still do, perhaps now more than ever. But things have changed. Not long ago, there seemed to be no way for me to get close enough to you. I was in love with you, Curt, prepared to spend every waking moment next to you. And now, I wish I could fly away from everything and everyone. The never-ending press conferences and photo shoots and live performances arent worth it if I know you wont be waiting for me when theyre all over. The charade isnt worth keeping up if you arent there to peel off my mask at the end of every day.
"Wheres the morning in my life?
Wheres the sense in staying right?
Who said time is on my side?
Ive got ears and eyes and nothing in my life,
But Ill survive your naked eyes.
Ill survive."
        I fell in love with you the first time we spoke, and now I fear Ill never fall out. Im not ready to let you go, although in reality youre already gone. Im not stupid. I know you arent coming back.
God, how I wish we could return to another time, another place, somewhere distant where were drinking champagne in a limousine, or in a circus ring.
God, the circus ring! Do you remember that night? We were their performers, their entertainment, but the audience meant nothing to us. You proved that the minute you pranced down those stairs, past all those reporters, and came to me. My Curt, dazzling in your gold suit.
Excuse me, fellas, you cried out, while I raise my glass to the loveliest man in Europe!
We both grinned as the reporters Oohed and Aahed at the bold comment. Theyd never seen or heard anything like you and me. Not one of them could fathom how strong the electric current running between us truly was. They called it drama; we called it love.
The world is changed cause you are made of ivory and gold, you whispered so tenderly. The curves of your lips rewrite history.
And then, you kissed me. You, the tough guy, the rough-edged rocker with a notorious distaste for everyone and everything, kissed me! It was perfection, the way our lips moved together in perfect rhythm, the taste of you, the fact that none of the faces around us matterednot the reporters, not the entourage, not even Mandy. They all could go to hell for all I cared. I had what Id wanted all along.
I had you drowning in me.
"You alone across the floor.
You and me and nothing more.
Youre the great mistake I never made."
        Finally came the moment that confirmed everything. I forget when it was, exactly. Time sort of seemed to blur for awhile. Wed finished a show, I believe, and had retreated back to the hotel for an after-party of sorts.
Heh, after-party? Orgy was more like it, because thats exactly what it was. Bodies writhed together all across that grand parlor. Mandy had a hoard of loverstwo very pretty boys and one lovely girlgroping and kissing her in the middle of the floor, as if their sexual escapades were truly something to be put on public display.
I couldnt have cared less.
I remember I was completely drained after that show. The audience had been delightful. The band had never played better. And youthe moment you came onstage with all your attitude and your disinterest in everyone around you, I felt something inside take control of me, something I couldnt find a name for.
And here we wereyou with your gorgeous girls on the couch across the room, and me being mauled by God knows who. I was bored to tears with these people. I was sure Id fucked them all at one point in time, but it was you I wanted, Curt. Only you. It wouldnt be the same, of course, as it had been with the rest of them. I wanted you for longer than one night. I wanted you a long timeforever, if possible.
It was as if youd read my mind. You lifted your eyes languidly to meet my gaze, and then you shook your girls off and rose from the sofa. I sat in silence while you crossed the floor, your stare fixed on me as if my attention were something to be seized and never released. Could this be the moment? I wondered. Could this really be it?
You grabbed your bottle of whiskey from the mantle and gave me one last seductive look before sauntering down the long hall toward the bedroom. I waited only one brief moment before following. Mandy saw, but again I couldnt have cared less. She had her pick of lovers that evening. Why should I deny myself the only lover I wanted?
What commenced was like nothing Id ever known. In the darkness of the bedroom our hands explored, our mouths tasted. I remember your eyes, your misty kohl-encircled eyes, taking in my expression of raw desire. If we spoke words, I dont remember, but our bodies said more than enough of our need for one another. We made love with the abandon of two wild animals, the lizard and the wolf, and when we finally came it was all fireworks and electric guitar floating about in our brains.
And when we woke, thats when things really began. Brief holiday, much needed, I wrote in the note to Mandy, but this break was for more than just recuperation from the tour. This was for us, for everything we could make togethermusic, love, and history.
"I never lied to you. I hated when you lied.
But Ill survive your naked eyes.
Ill survive."
        Somehow, it all ended. All good things must come to an end, they say, but I dont necessarily buy that.
Why didnt I see the signs? How could I not have? Ill tell you how. I was so blinded by fame and success that my private life got shipped off on a speeding train to nowhere. Mandy Id lost already, but I never thought Id lose you.
        Space queen on your fucking high horse, and all your fucking henchman! you were screaming. I couldnt even bring myself to look at you. Fuck you! Fuck you!
        I hadnt meant to hurt you, not really. Maybe we were working too hard, I dont know. Or maybe it just wasnt working at all. Everyone left us alone, some more reluctantly than others, but to think we could have sorted it out right then and there was preposterous. So on we went with our name-calling and our bitter, spiteful words.
        Youre so fucking preoccupied with turning Maxwell fucking Demon into a superstar that youve forgotten how to be Brian Slade!
        At least Im trying to be something! I screamed back. You spend every day hammered out of your fucking mind, and then you cant do a goddamn thing right when you get in here! Do I have to do everything for you? How am I supposed to make this album if you arent even going to try?
        You hurled a chair at me, and I barely dodged it. Somehow, even if it had hit me, I doubt it would have hurt as much as this cruelty from you.
        Fuck you, Brian! you bellowed. I dont need you, I dont need your help, and I dont need your holier-than-thou bullshit! I look at you, and I absolutely fucking hate what youve become. If this is what fame looks like, I dont want any part in it!
        I think I laughed outright.
Then get out! I shouted.
And you did. I stood there, speechless for the moment. I half-believed you wouldnt take me seriously. I thought youd stay and fight this out, or maybe level-headedly suggest that we settle this thing when wed both calmed down. But that wasnt going to happen. You walked out, and I knew you had no intentions of coming back. Not to talk to me, anyway.
The door slammed below, and I ran to the window, throwing it open as you stormed away. I had to get in the last insult, the last hurtful word.
Piss off! I screamed. Go on, then! Back to your wolves, your junkie twerps, your bloody shock treatment, and fuck you, too!
I know you heard it all. You never turned around, but I saw your shoulders tense as if you were taking my verbal assault as a physical one. Yes, you heard. But you didnt see. You didnt see the tears in my eyes. Mandy did. Mandy sees everything, though, doesnt she? She says nothing, but quietly observes. But as Ive made clear so many times already, I dont care. I stopped caring a long time ago.
That was all last night. You did come back, but I never saw you, not really. I suppose you gathered your personal things and walked out the door without saying so much as goodbye to me. I didnt see you till you were already outside, and the sight of you climbing into the limousine this morning stung me deep within. I wished so badly that you would come to me for one last exchange of words. Maybe we could have fixed things. Whos to say? Maybe one kiss wouldve been all it took.
Now well never know.
"Beetle boys, all snowy white.
Razzle-dazzle clubs every night.
Wish Id sent a valentine.
I loved you."
        Imagine what life wouldve been like if it had all worked out in the end. Part of me doesnt want to think of it, but there could have been so much. Might it have been more of the same? More excess, more hedonism, more of the downward spiral? I doubt that. We couldve pulled each other to safety. With you, I could do anything, and I would do anything for you, Curt.
        And where would we have been in twenty years? Two old geezers, still very much in love? Perhaps intimate friends, musical soul mates? Something tells me our paths may cross again. It will never be like it was before. I know that. But we move in the same world, creating art with the same passion. Maybe one day, well have forgotten all of this and will start on something new together. Maybe we can still change the world.
        Only time will tell.
"Ill survive. Ill survive.
Ill survive my naked eyes.
Ill survive."
        I love you, Curt. And I miss you like hell. I miss that penetrating gaze of your fixing on me. I miss that gravelly voice whispering knee-weakening promises of things to come into my ear. I miss your strong hands caressing my skin. But thats all lust, isnt it? What I really miss is youyour heart, your dreams, your devil-may-care attitude and your promises of everlasting love. This place feels so empty without you. I feel so empty without you.
        But its all over now. I know there was life before you, and now Ill have to learn to live life after you. Im scared, because I know it wont be easy. Ive grown so accustomed to living every day for you and with you, and now I wont be doing that anymore. It hurts, but its an unalterable fact.
Youre gone now, and theres nothing I can do to change that. Im alone, but I have to move on from this. Even if it kills me, I know Ill move on.
Ill survive.
THE END
Anyway, this is Brian Slade talking to a long-gone Curt after the break-up, thinking back on old times, on feelings that refuse to fade. Im gonna rate this PG-13ish for a little m/m lovey-dovey stuff. Theres nothing hardcore. Its not that writing hardcore stuff intimidates me; Im just thoat too lazy to write up a detailed sex scene. Besides, I know you guys have dirty-enough minds that you can imagine it all for yourself!  Its all based around the song Survive by David Bowie, which really seems to fit the mood here.
Okay, enough of my rambling! Ill let you read now:
SURVIVE
by Sutton
"Oh my naked eyes.
I shouldve kept you. I shouldve tried.
I shouldve been a wiser kind of guy.
I miss you."
        You looked so beautiful outside my windowdangerous, but wounded, like a tragic wolf. How could you? your eyes seemed to ask as they pierced through me. Yes, how could I? Youve been gone only fifteen minutes, and already Ive asked myself that same question a million times. How could I?
        I wanted to rush down the steps, to run outside and take you in my arms, to tell you I loved you and that I was sorry for everything. But you know me, Curt; you know me better than anyone ever will. You know Im far too proud to do anything like that. Instead, I slipped away, watched from a distance as you shook your head in disbelief, tossed your cigarette to the ground and drove out of my life forever.
Jerry couldnt understand my pain, my helplessness. He only understands money; love means nothing to him. You hang on there, he told me, but how can I?
My reason for livingmy reason for everythingis gone.
"Give me wings. Give me space.
Give me money for a change of face.
Those noisy rooms and passion pants.
I loved you."
        I can remember the first time I realized I wanted you more than anything in the world, and this was years before wed even met. It was a rock festival, a place where neither of us would charm a crowd. But you certainly charmed me. You couldnt seduce that stubborn audience, but by the first note youd seduced me. I heard your rebel yell, could almost taste your never-say-die charisma.
I remember watching as you drowned onstage in a sea of glitter and gasoline, and instead I wished you were drowning in my kiss, drowning in me.
        A long time passed, but I never forgot you. And then came the day when Jerry, after an aggressive over-the-phone business agreement, approached me and said, So tell me, Master Demon, who would you most fancy meeting in America? I didnt need to spend one second thinking of an answer. I wanted to see you, to meet you, to perhaps enchant you the way youd enchanted me.
The others were baffled; they hadnt the slightest clue what a Curt Wild was. But I didnt give a damn. I knew, and that was all that mattered.
        Yes, I wanted you then, and I still do, perhaps now more than ever. But things have changed. Not long ago, there seemed to be no way for me to get close enough to you. I was in love with you, Curt, prepared to spend every waking moment next to you. And now, I wish I could fly away from everything and everyone. The never-ending press conferences and photo shoots and live performances arent worth it if I know you wont be waiting for me when theyre all over. The charade isnt worth keeping up if you arent there to peel off my mask at the end of every day.
"Wheres the morning in my life?
Wheres the sense in staying right?
Who said time is on my side?
Ive got ears and eyes and nothing in my life,
But Ill survive your naked eyes.
Ill survive."
        I fell in love with you the first time we spoke, and now I fear Ill never fall out. Im not ready to let you go, although in reality youre already gone. Im not stupid. I know you arent coming back.
God, how I wish we could return to another time, another place, somewhere distant where were drinking champagne in a limousine, or in a circus ring.
God, the circus ring! Do you remember that night? We were their performers, their entertainment, but the audience meant nothing to us. You proved that the minute you pranced down those stairs, past all those reporters, and came to me. My Curt, dazzling in your gold suit.
Excuse me, fellas, you cried out, while I raise my glass to the loveliest man in Europe!
We both grinned as the reporters Oohed and Aahed at the bold comment. Theyd never seen or heard anything like you and me. Not one of them could fathom how strong the electric current running between us truly was. They called it drama; we called it love.
The world is changed cause you are made of ivory and gold, you whispered so tenderly. The curves of your lips rewrite history.
And then, you kissed me. You, the tough guy, the rough-edged rocker with a notorious distaste for everyone and everything, kissed me! It was perfection, the way our lips moved together in perfect rhythm, the taste of you, the fact that none of the faces around us matterednot the reporters, not the entourage, not even Mandy. They all could go to hell for all I cared. I had what Id wanted all along.
I had you drowning in me.
"You alone across the floor.
You and me and nothing more.
Youre the great mistake I never made."
        Finally came the moment that confirmed everything. I forget when it was, exactly. Time sort of seemed to blur for awhile. Wed finished a show, I believe, and had retreated back to the hotel for an after-party of sorts.
Heh, after-party? Orgy was more like it, because thats exactly what it was. Bodies writhed together all across that grand parlor. Mandy had a hoard of loverstwo very pretty boys and one lovely girlgroping and kissing her in the middle of the floor, as if their sexual escapades were truly something to be put on public display.
I couldnt have cared less.
I remember I was completely drained after that show. The audience had been delightful. The band had never played better. And youthe moment you came onstage with all your attitude and your disinterest in everyone around you, I felt something inside take control of me, something I couldnt find a name for.
And here we wereyou with your gorgeous girls on the couch across the room, and me being mauled by God knows who. I was bored to tears with these people. I was sure Id fucked them all at one point in time, but it was you I wanted, Curt. Only you. It wouldnt be the same, of course, as it had been with the rest of them. I wanted you for longer than one night. I wanted you a long timeforever, if possible.
It was as if youd read my mind. You lifted your eyes languidly to meet my gaze, and then you shook your girls off and rose from the sofa. I sat in silence while you crossed the floor, your stare fixed on me as if my attention were something to be seized and never released. Could this be the moment? I wondered. Could this really be it?
You grabbed your bottle of whiskey from the mantle and gave me one last seductive look before sauntering down the long hall toward the bedroom. I waited only one brief moment before following. Mandy saw, but again I couldnt have cared less. She had her pick of lovers that evening. Why should I deny myself the only lover I wanted?
What commenced was like nothing Id ever known. In the darkness of the bedroom our hands explored, our mouths tasted. I remember your eyes, your misty kohl-encircled eyes, taking in my expression of raw desire. If we spoke words, I dont remember, but our bodies said more than enough of our need for one another. We made love with the abandon of two wild animals, the lizard and the wolf, and when we finally came it was all fireworks and electric guitar floating about in our brains.
And when we woke, thats when things really began. Brief holiday, much needed, I wrote in the note to Mandy, but this break was for more than just recuperation from the tour. This was for us, for everything we could make togethermusic, love, and history.
"I never lied to you. I hated when you lied.
But Ill survive your naked eyes.
Ill survive."
        Somehow, it all ended. All good things must come to an end, they say, but I dont necessarily buy that.
Why didnt I see the signs? How could I not have? Ill tell you how. I was so blinded by fame and success that my private life got shipped off on a speeding train to nowhere. Mandy Id lost already, but I never thought Id lose you.
        Space queen on your fucking high horse, and all your fucking henchman! you were screaming. I couldnt even bring myself to look at you. Fuck you! Fuck you!
        I hadnt meant to hurt you, not really. Maybe we were working too hard, I dont know. Or maybe it just wasnt working at all. Everyone left us alone, some more reluctantly than others, but to think we could have sorted it out right then and there was preposterous. So on we went with our name-calling and our bitter, spiteful words.
        Youre so fucking preoccupied with turning Maxwell fucking Demon into a superstar that youve forgotten how to be Brian Slade!
        At least Im trying to be something! I screamed back. You spend every day hammered out of your fucking mind, and then you cant do a goddamn thing right when you get in here! Do I have to do everything for you? How am I supposed to make this album if you arent even going to try?
        You hurled a chair at me, and I barely dodged it. Somehow, even if it had hit me, I doubt it would have hurt as much as this cruelty from you.
        Fuck you, Brian! you bellowed. I dont need you, I dont need your help, and I dont need your holier-than-thou bullshit! I look at you, and I absolutely fucking hate what youve become. If this is what fame looks like, I dont want any part in it!
        I think I laughed outright.
Then get out! I shouted.
And you did. I stood there, speechless for the moment. I half-believed you wouldnt take me seriously. I thought youd stay and fight this out, or maybe level-headedly suggest that we settle this thing when wed both calmed down. But that wasnt going to happen. You walked out, and I knew you had no intentions of coming back. Not to talk to me, anyway.
The door slammed below, and I ran to the window, throwing it open as you stormed away. I had to get in the last insult, the last hurtful word.
Piss off! I screamed. Go on, then! Back to your wolves, your junkie twerps, your bloody shock treatment, and fuck you, too!
I know you heard it all. You never turned around, but I saw your shoulders tense as if you were taking my verbal assault as a physical one. Yes, you heard. But you didnt see. You didnt see the tears in my eyes. Mandy did. Mandy sees everything, though, doesnt she? She says nothing, but quietly observes. But as Ive made clear so many times already, I dont care. I stopped caring a long time ago.
That was all last night. You did come back, but I never saw you, not really. I suppose you gathered your personal things and walked out the door without saying so much as goodbye to me. I didnt see you till you were already outside, and the sight of you climbing into the limousine this morning stung me deep within. I wished so badly that you would come to me for one last exchange of words. Maybe we could have fixed things. Whos to say? Maybe one kiss wouldve been all it took.
Now well never know.
"Beetle boys, all snowy white.
Razzle-dazzle clubs every night.
Wish Id sent a valentine.
I loved you."
        Imagine what life wouldve been like if it had all worked out in the end. Part of me doesnt want to think of it, but there could have been so much. Might it have been more of the same? More excess, more hedonism, more of the downward spiral? I doubt that. We couldve pulled each other to safety. With you, I could do anything, and I would do anything for you, Curt.
        And where would we have been in twenty years? Two old geezers, still very much in love? Perhaps intimate friends, musical soul mates? Something tells me our paths may cross again. It will never be like it was before. I know that. But we move in the same world, creating art with the same passion. Maybe one day, well have forgotten all of this and will start on something new together. Maybe we can still change the world.
        Only time will tell.
"Ill survive. Ill survive.
Ill survive my naked eyes.
Ill survive."
        I love you, Curt. And I miss you like hell. I miss that penetrating gaze of your fixing on me. I miss that gravelly voice whispering knee-weakening promises of things to come into my ear. I miss your strong hands caressing my skin. But thats all lust, isnt it? What I really miss is youyour heart, your dreams, your devil-may-care attitude and your promises of everlasting love. This place feels so empty without you. I feel so empty without you.
        But its all over now. I know there was life before you, and now Ill have to learn to live life after you. Im scared, because I know it wont be easy. Ive grown so accustomed to living every day for you and with you, and now I wont be doing that anymore. It hurts, but its an unalterable fact.
Youre gone now, and theres nothing I can do to change that. Im alone, but I have to move on from this. Even if it kills me, I know Ill move on.
Ill survive.
THE END
